You Are Fierce
Pamela O'Hara
October 2019
“You are fit, you are fierce, you are fantastic. Don’t you let anyone tell you anything else, baby. You are here today and that is worth celebrating. I celebrate you!”
I am not fit. If I was fit I would wear stretchy bras as shirts and exercise on the beach. I’m here today on a virtual bike ride in my bedroom because I want to be fit.
Wait, did I already pee? I should go pee just to make sure so I don’t have to stop once we start the ride. It’s just the warm-up. I still have time to pee. I’ll do arm circles while I pee.
I knew I already pee’d. Should I have washed my hands? I’ll clean the handlebars anyway when I’m done. But now I have pee hands and they'll get on the towel when it is sweaty and I’ll rub it on my face. But I’m taking a shower and there is no pee. I barely pee’d.
“Let’s get this party started. Oh Prince, my prince we ride for you. Resistance is 25 to 35, Cadence is 65 to 80. I’m giving you suggestions on the numbers, but I am trusting you to find the place that is best for you. This is your ride. Bring your best self.”
I’ll keep it on the lowest settings, but I won’t stop this time. Slow and steady wins the race. And I’ll get out of the saddle every time he says to. I guess riding standing up is a better workout.
I love this song. It reminds me of Caroline, but I can’t remember why. Maybe she just liked it a lot in middle school. Prince and Caroline. Maybe it was a purple thing. I think she had purple Gloria Vanderbilts and liked Prince. Or just this song. She liked the part about the doves in this song. I remember her drawing purple doves.
“This is your time, baby. You set the bar and then you raise it.”
My bar is at the bottom but I do have a bar. I’m here again and I have a bar and every time I come back I raise it. Not stopping during a climb is raising my bar. I may not be raising my numbers, but I am raising my bar.
“Don’t forget to breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. I want you to feel that breath all the way in your ankles. This is your fuel. Breathe in the fuel.”
I cannot breathe through my nose, Kip. My nose was too crooked as a kid, and by the time I got the surgery to fix it, I was already a mouth breather. Sorry, no nose-hair-filtered oxygen for me.
“We’re getting warmed up. We’re a little red corvette ready to race. Let’s kick it up a bit and get our engines roaring. Resistance 35 to 45, keep cadence around 80 but be ready to race ahead. We’ve got some hills coming, so leave some fuel in your tank.
Two minutes down, 28 to go. I do not have that much fuel. Yes I do. I do.
“A nice little diddy to get us going on our first climb.”
John Mellencamp, or John Cougar, or John Cougar Mellencamp, I think it is John Cougar, whatever, needs to update this to have Jack dribble off his Bobby Brooks and let Diane do as SHE pleases. I think I’ll tweet that. Or post it on Facebook. Dawn will like it. Empowered 80s homecoming queen humor. No, no, it’s too suggestive. Maybe if I hashtag it #imblushing or #hadtosayit. Dawn will laugh. It is funny, although if it’s really funny it’s probably been posted before. I’ll google it first then post it.
“Ok, a quick recovery. Use it before you lose it. Get a towel, get some water, whatever you need to do to get yourself together.”
I don’t see any sweat, yet. Don’t I usually have some sweat around my collar at this point? Maybe I missed a push because I think I am usually sweating by now. Does this mean I am getting fit? Or that I am not working as hard?
8:10 down, 21:50 to go.
Practically 10 minutes already done which might as well be a third of the way done. I’m getting there.
“Almost there. It’s 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Quick recovery. Slow it down, but keep the resistance. Drink and breathe. This is your time to get yourself together.”
I can feel the sweat now. Real sweat. Dripping sweat. I love dripping sweat.
“This is the fun part. You get to decide just how much you believe in you. Add 1 to 5 more on resistance. Then add one more, because we always underestimate ourselves. Speed it up in 4, 3, 2, 1. You got this, baby.”
Owwwwww. Fast, fast, fast makes me lose control of my legs. I think my legs are going to buckle underneath me and the pedals will keep going and break my knees. If I crash on the floor will I be able to reach my phone to call 911? Maybe I should move my phone to the cup holder so I can reach it from the floor. But not while my legs are moving this fast.
“You own YOU. You are the best YOU right now because YOU are here and YOU are giving it your all. Slow it down in 4, 3, 2, 1. Breathe time, water time. You’ve earned it.”
My towel feels wet. I hate rubbing my face with a wet towel. I’m rubbing my own sweat on myself. And my pee. But there’s only a little pee. And sweat. It’s ok, sweat is good and it will all come off in the shower soon anyway. I am almost to shower time. Shower time is the reward: I’ve earned it with all this sweat and pee.
“This is where we get gritty. Life is hard. You’ve faced much harder shit than this bike. You can do it, baby. Speed it up and give it all you’ve got. Add 3 to 7 more. Go for it. You owe it to you. Ninety to 100 cadence and all the resistance you can give.”
Ugh, I forgot to move my phone when I was resting and now I’m moving too fast again. Maybe I should just knock it on the floor now. My luck it will break and then I will have two broken knees and a broken phone and will die of pain, sweat all over the floor. I hate the fast part. The heavy part hurts, but I just have to push harder. The fast part is just out of control.
“Don’t slow down. I can feel you slowing down. YOU’VE GOT THIS. Just 10 more seconds. This is the best you. Go for it. go for you, go for me, go for anyone who ever thought you couldn’t. Because you just did. Slow it down in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Resistance 30 to 40, cadence is 65 to 80. Get water and get yourself together.”
Oh my effing God. Keep moving. Keep moving. Sorry God. Thank You for not breaking my knees. I will not use Your name in vain any more. Oh my effing goodness. Is goodness the same as God? Sorry, God. Crabapples. I will say crabapples. Oh my fucking crabapples.
“You can thank yourself now. I offered you that chance to show yourself just how much you can do. AND YOU DID IT. Keep breathing and get some water. This recovery is your chance to celebrate and remind yourself how much you can do. Because we’ve still got some more.”
13:50 down, 16:10 to go.
That is past halfway. I am way past halfway and 128 calories burned. Fucking crabapples, is that really all I’ve burned? Can I get to 250 calories? I think I can get to 250 calories if I go harder. The heavy stuff that comes next burns more calories than the fast stuff. I will get to 250. But I shouldn’t obsess on that. Just do my best, don’t obsess on the number. I’m hiding the calorie counter.
“Let’s get started on our intervals. You need to use the push and the pull here. You should feel that pedal all the way around. In 20 seconds we will add 5 to 10 to the resistance. This is the first of three intervals, slightly longer each time: 20 seconds, 40 seconds, 50 seconds. This is your chance to show how fierce you can be. Decide now how much you want to add. We have 4, 3, 2, 1. Add resistance and increase speed by 10. You can do it for 20 seconds. You can do anything for 20 seconds.”
I’m already at resistance 40. That is the highest I’ve ever done. Or have I done 50? Am I starting too high? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter, I’m at 40 and I can do this. Stop looking at the numbers. I’m hiding the resistance counter.
“Keep pushing, keep pushing. Ten more seconds.”
My thighs feel like barbells. Are they supposed to feel so heavy? Yes, they are. That’s what makes you sweat. Hard, hurting, heavy thighs make sweat. And sweat burns calories. The calories in your 3-pregnancies-later belly bulge, those calories. I can feel them burning right now. I’m going to feel this for days. Is that normal? Am I supposed to have sore thighs every time I ride? “Sore muscles means the body is rebuilding, and rebuilding means a good, leaner, tighter, better self.”
26:16 down, only 3:44 to go.
“You think that was gritty? I need you to add whatever makes you groan inside. This is why you are here. To make the decision to treat yourself to your very best you. Turn that knob as far as you need to find the best you and then come up out of the saddle.”
I hate coming out of the saddle. What even is a saddle? Do real bikers call the seat a saddle? I hate the word saddle. It sounds like paddle and it smacks my butt every time.
“You don’t think we are resting now, do you? That’s not how life works. It is not hard and then easy. It is hard, harder and hardest. And that is how you get stronger.”
A barrel of fucking crabapples.
I’ll turn it up one. I can do it. Shit, I’m going too fast to turn the knob just one. Ok 3, I’ll try 3. I can’t breathe and can’t stand up and can’t keep my legs from wobbling on the bike. I think my bike might tip over. Is it supposed to rock back and forth like this? I need to quit swinging side to side when I pedal but how else do I push these effingly heavy pedals down?
“Keep your core in control. Work those muscles to keep your body over the bike and moving forward. Your butt should just kiss the saddle as you pedal”
There is an insanely chiseled gorgeous gay man flexing his muscles on my screen, my blood is pulsing through every vein in my body, and a hard leather bulge is kissing my ass cheeks. I’m either having a stroke or an orgasm any minute now.
Were bike seats designed as a pleasure toy? Or is that just an added benefit?
“And we are down in 4, 3, 2, 1. Back in the saddle but keep the resistance right where it is. You may slow down a bit, but don’t give up on you. You are worth it.”
29:00 down. 1:00 to go.
I did it. I made it to the cool down. Bring my counters back. I’ve burned 243 calories. So close, so close. I have to get to 250 before the end. Hold on Kip, I’m not done yet. You made me want more. I’m speeding up, but I promise I will cool down after you are gone. Just 7 more calories.
“How good do you feel now?”
So good, so good. Twenty eight seconds, 3 calories to go. Faster, faster. Blast it to the end. No cooling me down.
“You did it. You gave your all today. Be proud of you.”
TWO. FIFTY. ONE! That's how good I feel. Two-hundred-and-fifty-one-calories-burned good. How ‘bout them fucking crabapples?
I am not fit. If I was fit I would wear stretchy bras as shirts and exercise on the beach. I’m here today on a virtual bike ride in my bedroom because I want to be fit.
Wait, did I already pee? I should go pee just to make sure so I don’t have to stop once we start the ride. It’s just the warm-up. I still have time to pee. I’ll do arm circles while I pee.
I knew I already pee’d. Should I have washed my hands? I’ll clean the handlebars anyway when I’m done. But now I have pee hands and they'll get on the towel when it is sweaty and I’ll rub it on my face. But I’m taking a shower and there is no pee. I barely pee’d.
“Let’s get this party started. Oh Prince, my prince we ride for you. Resistance is 25 to 35, Cadence is 65 to 80. I’m giving you suggestions on the numbers, but I am trusting you to find the place that is best for you. This is your ride. Bring your best self.”
I’ll keep it on the lowest settings, but I won’t stop this time. Slow and steady wins the race. And I’ll get out of the saddle every time he says to. I guess riding standing up is a better workout.
I love this song. It reminds me of Caroline, but I can’t remember why. Maybe she just liked it a lot in middle school. Prince and Caroline. Maybe it was a purple thing. I think she had purple Gloria Vanderbilts and liked Prince. Or just this song. She liked the part about the doves in this song. I remember her drawing purple doves.
“This is your time, baby. You set the bar and then you raise it.”
My bar is at the bottom but I do have a bar. I’m here again and I have a bar and every time I come back I raise it. Not stopping during a climb is raising my bar. I may not be raising my numbers, but I am raising my bar.
“Don’t forget to breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. I want you to feel that breath all the way in your ankles. This is your fuel. Breathe in the fuel.”
I cannot breathe through my nose, Kip. My nose was too crooked as a kid, and by the time I got the surgery to fix it, I was already a mouth breather. Sorry, no nose-hair-filtered oxygen for me.
“We’re getting warmed up. We’re a little red corvette ready to race. Let’s kick it up a bit and get our engines roaring. Resistance 35 to 45, keep cadence around 80 but be ready to race ahead. We’ve got some hills coming, so leave some fuel in your tank.
Two minutes down, 28 to go. I do not have that much fuel. Yes I do. I do.
“A nice little diddy to get us going on our first climb.”
John Mellencamp, or John Cougar, or John Cougar Mellencamp, I think it is John Cougar, whatever, needs to update this to have Jack dribble off his Bobby Brooks and let Diane do as SHE pleases. I think I’ll tweet that. Or post it on Facebook. Dawn will like it. Empowered 80s homecoming queen humor. No, no, it’s too suggestive. Maybe if I hashtag it #imblushing or #hadtosayit. Dawn will laugh. It is funny, although if it’s really funny it’s probably been posted before. I’ll google it first then post it.
“Ok, a quick recovery. Use it before you lose it. Get a towel, get some water, whatever you need to do to get yourself together.”
I don’t see any sweat, yet. Don’t I usually have some sweat around my collar at this point? Maybe I missed a push because I think I am usually sweating by now. Does this mean I am getting fit? Or that I am not working as hard?
8:10 down, 21:50 to go.
Practically 10 minutes already done which might as well be a third of the way done. I’m getting there.
“Almost there. It’s 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Quick recovery. Slow it down, but keep the resistance. Drink and breathe. This is your time to get yourself together.”
I can feel the sweat now. Real sweat. Dripping sweat. I love dripping sweat.
“This is the fun part. You get to decide just how much you believe in you. Add 1 to 5 more on resistance. Then add one more, because we always underestimate ourselves. Speed it up in 4, 3, 2, 1. You got this, baby.”
Owwwwww. Fast, fast, fast makes me lose control of my legs. I think my legs are going to buckle underneath me and the pedals will keep going and break my knees. If I crash on the floor will I be able to reach my phone to call 911? Maybe I should move my phone to the cup holder so I can reach it from the floor. But not while my legs are moving this fast.
“You own YOU. You are the best YOU right now because YOU are here and YOU are giving it your all. Slow it down in 4, 3, 2, 1. Breathe time, water time. You’ve earned it.”
My towel feels wet. I hate rubbing my face with a wet towel. I’m rubbing my own sweat on myself. And my pee. But there’s only a little pee. And sweat. It’s ok, sweat is good and it will all come off in the shower soon anyway. I am almost to shower time. Shower time is the reward: I’ve earned it with all this sweat and pee.
“This is where we get gritty. Life is hard. You’ve faced much harder shit than this bike. You can do it, baby. Speed it up and give it all you’ve got. Add 3 to 7 more. Go for it. You owe it to you. Ninety to 100 cadence and all the resistance you can give.”
Ugh, I forgot to move my phone when I was resting and now I’m moving too fast again. Maybe I should just knock it on the floor now. My luck it will break and then I will have two broken knees and a broken phone and will die of pain, sweat all over the floor. I hate the fast part. The heavy part hurts, but I just have to push harder. The fast part is just out of control.
“Don’t slow down. I can feel you slowing down. YOU’VE GOT THIS. Just 10 more seconds. This is the best you. Go for it. go for you, go for me, go for anyone who ever thought you couldn’t. Because you just did. Slow it down in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Resistance 30 to 40, cadence is 65 to 80. Get water and get yourself together.”
Oh my effing God. Keep moving. Keep moving. Sorry God. Thank You for not breaking my knees. I will not use Your name in vain any more. Oh my effing goodness. Is goodness the same as God? Sorry, God. Crabapples. I will say crabapples. Oh my fucking crabapples.
“You can thank yourself now. I offered you that chance to show yourself just how much you can do. AND YOU DID IT. Keep breathing and get some water. This recovery is your chance to celebrate and remind yourself how much you can do. Because we’ve still got some more.”
13:50 down, 16:10 to go.
That is past halfway. I am way past halfway and 128 calories burned. Fucking crabapples, is that really all I’ve burned? Can I get to 250 calories? I think I can get to 250 calories if I go harder. The heavy stuff that comes next burns more calories than the fast stuff. I will get to 250. But I shouldn’t obsess on that. Just do my best, don’t obsess on the number. I’m hiding the calorie counter.
“Let’s get started on our intervals. You need to use the push and the pull here. You should feel that pedal all the way around. In 20 seconds we will add 5 to 10 to the resistance. This is the first of three intervals, slightly longer each time: 20 seconds, 40 seconds, 50 seconds. This is your chance to show how fierce you can be. Decide now how much you want to add. We have 4, 3, 2, 1. Add resistance and increase speed by 10. You can do it for 20 seconds. You can do anything for 20 seconds.”
I’m already at resistance 40. That is the highest I’ve ever done. Or have I done 50? Am I starting too high? I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter, I’m at 40 and I can do this. Stop looking at the numbers. I’m hiding the resistance counter.
“Keep pushing, keep pushing. Ten more seconds.”
My thighs feel like barbells. Are they supposed to feel so heavy? Yes, they are. That’s what makes you sweat. Hard, hurting, heavy thighs make sweat. And sweat burns calories. The calories in your 3-pregnancies-later belly bulge, those calories. I can feel them burning right now. I’m going to feel this for days. Is that normal? Am I supposed to have sore thighs every time I ride? “Sore muscles means the body is rebuilding, and rebuilding means a good, leaner, tighter, better self.”
26:16 down, only 3:44 to go.
“You think that was gritty? I need you to add whatever makes you groan inside. This is why you are here. To make the decision to treat yourself to your very best you. Turn that knob as far as you need to find the best you and then come up out of the saddle.”
I hate coming out of the saddle. What even is a saddle? Do real bikers call the seat a saddle? I hate the word saddle. It sounds like paddle and it smacks my butt every time.
“You don’t think we are resting now, do you? That’s not how life works. It is not hard and then easy. It is hard, harder and hardest. And that is how you get stronger.”
A barrel of fucking crabapples.
I’ll turn it up one. I can do it. Shit, I’m going too fast to turn the knob just one. Ok 3, I’ll try 3. I can’t breathe and can’t stand up and can’t keep my legs from wobbling on the bike. I think my bike might tip over. Is it supposed to rock back and forth like this? I need to quit swinging side to side when I pedal but how else do I push these effingly heavy pedals down?
“Keep your core in control. Work those muscles to keep your body over the bike and moving forward. Your butt should just kiss the saddle as you pedal”
There is an insanely chiseled gorgeous gay man flexing his muscles on my screen, my blood is pulsing through every vein in my body, and a hard leather bulge is kissing my ass cheeks. I’m either having a stroke or an orgasm any minute now.
Were bike seats designed as a pleasure toy? Or is that just an added benefit?
“And we are down in 4, 3, 2, 1. Back in the saddle but keep the resistance right where it is. You may slow down a bit, but don’t give up on you. You are worth it.”
29:00 down. 1:00 to go.
I did it. I made it to the cool down. Bring my counters back. I’ve burned 243 calories. So close, so close. I have to get to 250 before the end. Hold on Kip, I’m not done yet. You made me want more. I’m speeding up, but I promise I will cool down after you are gone. Just 7 more calories.
“How good do you feel now?”
So good, so good. Twenty eight seconds, 3 calories to go. Faster, faster. Blast it to the end. No cooling me down.
“You did it. You gave your all today. Be proud of you.”
TWO. FIFTY. ONE! That's how good I feel. Two-hundred-and-fifty-one-calories-burned good. How ‘bout them fucking crabapples?